A Good Day.

This morning I woke up feeling good.  After yesterday, with what I can only describe as one of the most depressing days I've ever had, I was worried the dark cloud hanging around me would not fade.  You see yesterday I came to realize that the person who should love my child as much as I do,  is still the irresponsible, self centered liar that I was once warned about by his other children's mothers.  (yes, children and mothers plural)  But I digress.  Today was a good day. 

Waking up early, I managed for the first time in a long time to get on the tred mill.  I forget how just a short run makes me feel like I'm walking on top of the world.  Note to self: get more exercise. 

My family met today for our Easter celebration (yes very late).  We had an egg hunt for the little ones ( although big ones got involved), good food, and funny stories.   TCBE got to wear her new Easter dress and I admit it, She is the most beautiful baby ever.  :) 

But I think the thing I took most from today, was the fact that the cloud did lift.  Time is helping, although I still see saw between sadness and anger.  My family is amazing.  And I, I am finding the old me again.  She's been hiding for awhile, stifled by an ignorant, destructive individual that takes pride in hurting others, even innocent children.  But she is reemerging.  She has found new allies and gotten rid of old enemies.  And She is finding her inner strength again.  She's gonna be awesome. 

Priorities.

Circumstances in life have changed many things for me recently.  Grasping whats left of my pride and removing myself and my daughter (aka the coolest baby ever, from now on to be know as "tcbe")
from a less than stellar situation has made it necessary to have two jobs and live in my big brother's basement apt. 

While better than staying in the situation we were in, a situation that I fear could have caused her so much harm in the long run, I worry that she is happy all the time.  I worry about providing things she needs and wants.  I worry about her forgetting me while I'm at work.  I worry that she will someday grow up to be angry that I left her father, even though it was for the best.  I worry about her having a relationship with her siblings (very long story, that I'm not ready to delve into yet).  There is just a lot of worry if you can't tell.

But last night, I went to pick her up at my mom's house after work.  It was after midnight and she was asleep.  I felt bad for moving her out of her comfy spot but I just wanted to get us home to our bed.  I tried to be quiet and move her gently so she wouldn't wake up but one eye popped open as soon as I touched her.  Then the other.   She stared at me for a minute, confused and sleepy, and then....she smiled.   A great big goofy grin that said "I'm so happy to see you mommy!"  And in that moment, tension and stress melted away.  I relaxed for the first time that day.  I put my worries and loneliness away for awhile and I hugged her. 

We made it home and went to bed.  She snuggled up to me and soon was snoring away.  I laid there quietly for awhile thinking about her and our lives and I know that the next few months will be hard but we will survive and we will be better and closer for it.   I love that little girl. 

A new start

I'm starting this blog at an interesting place in life.  Most people start these things as they begin some huge project or after they overcome large obstacles to come out on top of the world.  But that is not where I'm starting this blog from.  I'm starting this blog from the bottom.  I'm starting this blog as I work through what may be some of the most hardest decisions of my life.  As I work through the depressing roller coaster of realizing the things I've wanted and dreamed of have been snatched away for now by one who doesn't have the emotional capacity to realize the destruction he wreaks on those around him. 

But I'm also starting this blog as I look down at the most beautiful baby in the world sleeping next to me (finally!!)  And I know as I look at her that I must heal myself and become healthy and happy again.  Because it is up to me to teach her to be happy and healthy.  Confidant and smart.  To know how she should be treated by people in her life.  It is up to me to make sure everyday she knows that she is loved and deserves only the best.  And it is up to me to teach her that there are some in this world that will do her harm if she allows it.

So today, I start this blog to help me heal.  To help me trust again.  To help me love and nurture my daughter.  To help me teach her to be the strong, independent, confidant woman that I used to be.  In this, I will not fail.