Priorities.

Circumstances in life have changed many things for me recently.  Grasping whats left of my pride and removing myself and my daughter (aka the coolest baby ever, from now on to be know as "tcbe")
from a less than stellar situation has made it necessary to have two jobs and live in my big brother's basement apt. 

While better than staying in the situation we were in, a situation that I fear could have caused her so much harm in the long run, I worry that she is happy all the time.  I worry about providing things she needs and wants.  I worry about her forgetting me while I'm at work.  I worry that she will someday grow up to be angry that I left her father, even though it was for the best.  I worry about her having a relationship with her siblings (very long story, that I'm not ready to delve into yet).  There is just a lot of worry if you can't tell.

But last night, I went to pick her up at my mom's house after work.  It was after midnight and she was asleep.  I felt bad for moving her out of her comfy spot but I just wanted to get us home to our bed.  I tried to be quiet and move her gently so she wouldn't wake up but one eye popped open as soon as I touched her.  Then the other.   She stared at me for a minute, confused and sleepy, and then....she smiled.   A great big goofy grin that said "I'm so happy to see you mommy!"  And in that moment, tension and stress melted away.  I relaxed for the first time that day.  I put my worries and loneliness away for awhile and I hugged her. 

We made it home and went to bed.  She snuggled up to me and soon was snoring away.  I laid there quietly for awhile thinking about her and our lives and I know that the next few months will be hard but we will survive and we will be better and closer for it.   I love that little girl.